Cruiselinertm from blommendaal.com
 

 
Kryptonite
 
I hear voices, I hear voices telling me I should be President.
No matter what the voters say, no matter what is on the polling slip, I hear voices, and the voices tell me I should be President.
So I take a walk around the country, in the autumn mist, and I could feel it all around me, there is something I should be, something for which I am alive, and after all I am super human, and I should be President.
And if it wasnĖt for me guys you would all be dead, without me no posse of presidential wannabees, no suckers to come up with the cash, I am Superman, and the voices say I was right.
 
But now there is Kryptonite somewhere in the air, and it is fucking with my superhuman powers, draining me of strength and determination, fuzzing my focus, distracting me, and somewhere along the line I have lost it, dragging anchor, being cast on the tide this way and that, sometimes very close to the rocks, then out to the forgiving sea again.
They call me strong they call me weak, they have no idea of the beasts I keep, the stuff I have in my back garden, but the green crystal, the Kryptonite is sussing me out, blasting me from afar, maiming my powers, fucking with my presidency.
 
And the Kryptonite comes in many forms and in many disguises:
There is a middle aged blonde bespectacled middle aged lady called Carol, a grandma really, who insists all the votes of those suckers should be hand counted all over again. And in full view of a world audience this grandma in puts it to the vote, bullies her pale and trembling colleague, browbeats the chairman of her board, and outvotes the others, and behold the Kryptonite there for all to see.
I could feel it hurting me from way up here. Stinging and sucking at my powers.
 
It comes in the shape of the judge who orders the recount deadline has to stand, too late is too bad; so there go the votes my highly paid tomb robbers are trying to gather, there they go, butterflies cast adrift on the open ocean, lost and doomed to die, itĖs the Kryptonite and it mocks me, saps my strength and turns my blood to ice.
 
It comes in the shape of a State Minister who is Barbie come alive, but Barbie from a time warp, old and wrinkled, and this Barbie says its final, the time door has closed, the rest is history no matter what, this Barbie who is incestuous friends with my rival, and she is reading the spell straight from the book while the Kryptonite shimmers in the back, eating at me and my grandiose plans.
 
It comes in the shape of some dumb ass overseas voter who spilled Indian Curry on his ballot paper, mailed it anyway and is now at the striking sparks off the Kryptonite, lancing me, spearing me with doubt and confusion.
 
It comes in the shape of the balding State Official who defiantly carries on counting anyway, carries on pilling paper on paper, judging me with every rustle, jamming my future in the growing pile, uncaring, unblinking, working by the light of the Kryptonite, burning my eyes, hurting right up into the back of my head.
 
I feel like I have left my body somewhere in the sands of time, I am now only a paper entity, no longer the world shaker, no longer the world maker, the primeval force for change, the stomping, nation bestriding giant of the new Millennium.
 
The Kryptonite is burning me up, drying me out, leaving just a husk, and even if I survive this, even if my underlings manage to neutralise the Kryptonite, even if I manage to make it to the presidential dome, I am cursed already, my power slashed and burned, my fate decided to forever be half a man.
 
Kryptonite radiation is eating away at my body tissue, turning me to jelly, dividing my disciples forever and if I stay alive, will anybody still be my friend?
 
The "S" for Superman has faded into grey, and I am doomed, a caricature of the saviour of the world, and I am no Superman now, less then a man now, I am left at the dark side of the moon.
And somewhere in the world there is Kryptonite, the green crystal hidden somewhere deep, but I can feel it burning me still, hurting me forever.
 
I hear voices, many voices, but they are much more quiet now, growing quieter still, soon to be deadly silent...
 
See you next week.

 
Cruiselinertm © Laurens Blommendaal 2000
 

 
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Riff Raff
 
By the time you are reading this dear Cruiseliner subscriber itĖs all over.
The fat lady has sung. Curtains closed.
 
Either genetically enhanced super clone George W Bush is redecorating the oval office, trying to get those funny stains off the wallpaper, his mum helping him of course, or Mr. Coke himself, Mr. Let -me- tip- all -over -you -Tipper, Mr. VP Gore is scouting the Sunday papers for a new intern to assist him in the White House. Anyone named Monica is out.
 
4 billion US $ has been spent to get there, and that is some money folks, that is more than the combined national income of the poorest 12 African nations. Just to convince the good people of the US it has to be you. And only you.
What does this teach us?
Well only this: volume counts; volume is everything, in the end volume, quantity, will always beat quality hands down.
But there is a rule, a scientific rule to this. Straight from the egghead scientists at Columbia University.
And the rule is this: if your volume is at least 8 to the power of 10 times greater than that of your nearest competitor, you will always win. And they will always lose. If they have a better product. Even if they are masters are 1to1 relationship marketing. It is not going to save them. The canyon is too great, the chasm too yawning, they will never catch up.
 
Amazon.com has a lot of customers. You know how many?
Let me tell you: 25 million.
Yes, 25 million. And before the end of 2001 that should be 48 million. And why not? Much like Tyrannosaurus Rex (talk about volume by the way), Amazon has no natural enemy, no threatening predator, there is no brake on this train, and the volumes are so large they can only get bigger.
And what would halt this growth? One thing only really: the number of people on this planet with access to the Web, to the Amazon business. And we all know what the growth curves are on that score.
Competition? Barnes & Noble? Bol.com?
Excuse me while I just pick myself up off the floor having nearly choked on my whisky in a laughing fit.
Those guys are too late, its all over, their volumes of customers are in the Dolls House category compared to Amazons.
And they may well offer a better product, a better service, maybe even cheaper, but all that is obliterated in the Amazon supernova.
 
Last week I talked to a Senior Executive of UPS, the courier people at a trade exhibition. We talked about the US election, about the weather, and most of all about their new hub in St. Louis, USA.
Tel me I said, what sort of volumes of traffic do you guys handle there I asked?
ÎOhĖ, said Mr. UPS, Îwe do 140.000 parcels per hour, 150 planes land every night.
The planes have a turn around time of 4 hours, and if the plane is not completely discharged by then, it takes off anyway, frees the landing slot.
Then we send a chaser plane to catch up at the next hub, where we take the remaining parcels out and haul them back to St. Louis.
We got 6000 people working there by the way. And we are thinking of expanding this operation.Ė
Expanding this? Into what?
Planet wide distribution? Enlisting Martians to ship those bubble pack envelopes? UPS planes blotting out the sun?
Gee, I said, those are some volumes. Yes, well said Mr. UPS, thatĖs how we stay ahead of the competition. Just roll over Îem.
 
So, if you spent 4 billion US $ to become President of the USA, you are using volume to get you there.
Content is secondary, except for negative content perhaps when all of a sudden it is discovered you drink and lie about that, or molest girls and donĖt pay them enough to be quiet, during and after (volume again).
 
What else have we learned from the US election?
Well, that some people have strange names.
Tipper for example. Tipper Gore. What sort of name is that?
Where I come from Tipper is a dump truck. Big thing on wheels carrying rubbish from place to place. Well there you go.
Now thatĖs nasty I know, and unfair, and you are right, and at least Tipper kisses like a demon.
Or thatĖs what it looks like to me, since Big Al take every opportunity to stick his tongue down Tippers throat. Whereupon Tipper responds by sucking AlÎs brain out through his mouth. Or so it seems.
Mrs. George W Bush (does anyone know what this lady is actually really called? Beats me..) is more the stylish, quiet and strong type. The type of woman to run a plantation in the Deep South of the US. With wave of her white laced gloved hand. Well, she may still get that chance.
 
As we are on a lighter note anyway, let me tell you I conducted a short poll amongst my better friends about the key people involved in the US election.
Chelsea Clinton did well amongst the men, simply for having cute curls and a cute name (there we go again), and keeping her dignity at all times. Good for you Chelsea.
The ladies were unanimous in their opinion of Al and George: irritating, too ambitious by far, annoyingly persistent, and possibly untrustworthy.
The sort of men who come up to you in a bar, and just wonĖt leave you alone.
Where you end up saying "which part of NO donĖt you understand?"
That type of guy.
 
Most interesting was the feedback from my old friend Danielle.
She comes from the street, way back from my dirty old neighbourhood.
Is a lawyer now, but as the saying goes, you can take a kid out off the street, but you can never take the street out off the kid. Two failed marriages and a violent boyfriend later she is still standing.
Just some lines under her eyes, and a certain grim set to her mouth some times, and a very, very dirty laugh.
After her fourth Tequila Danielle said: "All that money, all those balloons, all those Secret Service goons, all that shit, well you donĖt fool me, these guys, they donĖt fool me."
She lit another menthol light.
ĪThese guys, Al and George, needing all that money? Pffff, theyĖre just riff raff. And I should know."
 
And she should know.
 
See you next week.

 
Cruiselinertm © Laurens Blommendaal 2000
 

 
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The Scorched Earth Selling Policy
 
The phone rings, the time is 20.15 at Mr.CruiselinersĖ house on a rainy Wednesday evening.
 
Mr.Cruiseliner:"Hello?"
WomanĖs very sultry voice:"Mr.Cruiseliner, can I ask you a question?"
Mr.Cruiseliner:"Sure. (you never know..)"
WomanĖs less sultry voice:"Mr.Cruiseliner, do you have a pension?"
Mr.Cruiseliner:"A pension? Well÷yes÷but..why?"
WomanĖs hardly sultry voice:"But is it inflation index linked Mr.Cruiseliner? Is it?"
Mr.Cruiseliner:"Suppose so..hhmm..yes..think so.."
Woman, now businesslike:"Cause if it is not, then I can make you an offer. I can offer you a free transfer to our 'Be a fucking millionaire when youĖre 65' pension plan, which is indexed linked, and stakeholder supercharged, and-"
Mr.Cruiseliner:"Sorry, if I can just interrupt, I-"
Woman, in full verbal flow:"furthermore, should you die before you are 65 then-"
Mr.Cruiseliner:"Hello, please! Just a moment..hello!"
Woman, firing on all cylinders:"then thatĖs makes no difference, as if you have not died at all really, because inherent in the BAFMWYA65 Plan is that-"
Mr.Cruiseliner:"Miss! Please listen! ItĖs evening. Quarter past eight. I am trying to eat my dinner here. So do you mind?"
Woman, surprised:"Really? So you do not have a moment to listen to this amazing proposal then, perhaps-"
Mr.Cruiseliner:"No. Go away. Please. Ok?"
Woman, peeved:"Well, if you insist, then, well.."
Mr.Cruiseliner:"Thank you and goodbye"
Telephone:"tut tut tut "
 
Back to my dinner.
Time is 20.20 now.
Phone rings.
Oh no..not that woman. Damn, answer phone is broke. But maybe it is my friend Ed. So...
 
Mr.Cruiseliner:"Hello?"
Old and wise sounding man:"Mr.Cruiseliner, I know you are a good customer of our bank."
Mr.Cruiseliner, flattered:"Well yes"
Old and wise sounding man:"So I thought I would give you a call"
Mr.Cruiseliner:-thinking, shit, trouble at the bank, shit shit, someone emptied my account or something, or maybe that Amazon order resulted in wipe out on the credit card, oh no- "Yes, what is the problem?"
Old and wise banker:"No problem, not all. However, we noticed you regularly have a cash surplus in your current account"
Mr.Cruiseliner, suspicious now:"Well, yes, sometimes.."
Old and wise banker:"And this surplus could easily be converted in a tax deductible down payment on non secured advance, a loan in effect, which would enable you to repay your current mortgage by using Canadian stock exchange technology index shares, without endangering the-"
Mr.Cruiseliner:"Mr.Banker. Excuse me. But it is eight thirty in the evening, I am having my dinner, my answer phone is broke, and I really have to go now"
Old and wise banker:"Mr.Cruiseliner, you are missing the opportunity of a lifetime, you-"
Mr.Cruiseliner:"I am missing my dinner. Goodbye!"
Telephone:"tut tut tut"
 
Back to that dinner. Damn. Going cold. Cat was sniffing it too.
Shit. Why the hell is my own goddamn bank calling me at this time to sell me something? I am a "valued customer". Yeah, right, so go bother me when I donĖt need it. Great.
Anyway-
 
Time is 20.35.
Phone rings. Shit shit shit.
Gotta be Ed. Has to be. Put that fork down. Shoo the cat away.. Away puss! Buzz off! Go eat Munchies.
Get to the phone.
 
Mr.Cruiseliner:"Hello"
Young and greasy sounding guy:"Heeellllllooooo! Mr.Cruiseliner! I think your house needs new double-glazing. I know it does! And we here at Fucking Expensive and Definitely Leaking Afterwards Double Glazing can fix that for you! Yes we can! Because-"
Mr.Cruiseliner:"No, you bloody canĖt! There!"
Telephone:"tut tut tut"
 
Fuck. Dinner is not only cold but also dusty by now. Aww. I hate this.
All these shit phone calls. Do they really think they are going to sell me something? Now? Like that? They gotta be joking.
Now, for dinner. Well this is ruined. Great. Perhaps the puss has some Munchies left..
 
Time is 20.45
Come on Ed, call me.
Those Munchies are too salty by the way. Yuk!.
Phone rings.
Yes.
 
Mr.Cruiseliner:"Hello? Ed?"
Friendly woman:"Sorry to bother you, we are doing some research, may I ask you some questions?"
Mr.Cruiseliner:thinking: research. Research is good. Perhaps stops these people from trying to sell me shit things. "Ok ask away?"
Friendly woman:"Mr.Cruiseliner, do you own your house?"
Mr.Cruiseliner:"Uhmm, yes"
Friendly woman:"Does your house have a garage?"
Mr.Cruiseliner:"Yes"
Friendly woman:"Mr.Cruiseliner, do you have a Pension?"
Mr.Cruiseliner:"Excuse me?! What? You-"
Friendly woman:"Because if you do not, then I can make you an offer-"
Telephone:"tut tut tut"
 
No, no,no. This is just ridiculous. What do they think they are doing?
Working for their competition or something? Trying to get me totally pissed off?
ItĖs working folks!
 
Time is 20.48
Telephone rings.
 
Mr.Cruiseliner:"Go and fuck off! Just go and get the fuck out of here! Go get a brain seizure! I donĖt want a Pension from Miss Îtake me doggy styleĖ, I donĖt want a loan from those traitors at my bank, or double glazing from some talking giant lizard, or another pension, what I want is to be left alone, to be respected in my privacy, eat my dinner, watch the movie, a working answer phone, what I want is to buy things when I want them, if I want to buy them at all, what I want is to be friends with the puss, and what I donĖt want is the fucking cheek to bother me at night and the cheek to-"
Ed:"You ok there Cruissy?"
 
Now I am sure this has happened to you too. More than once. Now what drives these people? Or more importantly, what drives the people who make these other people do this?
And why?
 
They will probably tell you that if you make enough calls some will result in a sale. Sure. And all the others will never talk to you again.
It is the Scorched Earth Selling policy.
Burn everything behind you. Napoleon leaving Russia. The Nazis departing from Poland.
A once only contact. No relation whatsoever except a sadistic one.
And when this is done by a supplier you already know and trust that really takes the biscuit.
ThatĖs like a good friend grabbing your wifeĖs butt.
 
No folks, cold telephone sales calling is from the stone age and has no place in the year 2000.
And if your company is still employing this as a valid business strategy, then you are cannibalising your market potential.
You are destroying the fragile ecosystem of wanting and giving. And your business in the process.
So stop it. Now.
And donĖt call us: weĖll call you.
 
See you next week.

 
Cruiselinertm © Laurens Blommendaal 2000
 

 
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Time Warp at Bounty Island
 
Let me tell you a story.
A true and astonishing story.
 
Somewhere at he end of the seventies, 1978 or 1979, a team of 4 American anthropologists landed at the island of Jumai.
This bounty paradise lies in the middle of the Pacific Ocean. White sandy beaches, palm trees, sing-song birds, turtles laying eggs on the beach at moonlight, bamboo home on stilts, an impressionist palette of tropical fish surfing the surf.
Sometimes itĖs just rain, rain, rain, and then the sun bursts through again, ferociously bouncing off the waves, warming the land.
 
The special thing about this island was that no white man, or for that matter anybody else, had been there ever before. There had been no visitors from the outside world to this island; the only people living there were the original Polynesian settlers, come from way across the ocean a long, long time ago.
It was one of the last uncontaminated pieces of the ancient world. Not yet exposed to any of the vagaries of modern civilisation. Land before time.
 
The anthropologists arrived with a true anthropological mission: observe, learn, take part but do not intervene.
They landed by canoe, some time in the morning, in clear site of the main village, to make sure the locals could see them coming. And see them coming they did, the brown skinned people gathering on the shore, the men in front, women and children sheltering behind them, forming a horseshoe of primitivism around the encroaching Westerness.
The anthropologists had made sure they looked the part as much as possible, dressed in muted cotton, leather sandals, straw hats, you get the picture.
They tried to take along as little modern stuff from the good old USA as possible, so no shavers, radioĖs, torches, can openers, pocket knifes and such, but of course they had to bring along some tools of their trade like cameraĖs, tape recorders, writing papers and ballpoint pens.
 
So the anthropologists arrived, walked onto the beach, stood still and waited for contact. They was all lot of staring from both sides, a lot of giggling from the kids, a lot of whispering amongst the women, and a lot of dark muttering amongst the men.
The men were armed with spears and heavy ended clubs, and swung with the all the primitive muscular power of a Polynesian tribe boss man, that club could crack your skull like an egg. Yes, these guys leisurely wade into the surf to club basking sharks to death for dinner, so some caution on part of the anthropologists was understandable.
But unnecessary.
The local boss man stepped forward; the Shaman at his side, and with gestures and a speech welcomed these visitors from outer space.
 
The Shaman was particularly friendly, coming up to the anthropologists free and easy, touching them, pulling on their sleeves, talking to them incessantly, and pointing to the hard blue sky above.
Despite the intimidating appearance of the bird feathers circling his head, the monkey skulls hanging from a rope around his neck, and the turtle shell on his back, Mr. Shaman was very impressed and very humble.
Well, thought the anthropologists, we have been here before, in the Amazon basin, the jungles of Africa, amongst the seal hunting people of Greenland, the barbarian tribes in the forests of Mongolia.
Their gods have landed and itĖs us. Obvious.
 
As we will see later they were very wrong.
 
There was a feast that evening, lots of food, monkeys were dragged screaming from trees and Bar-B-Qued on the spot, their best hunters waded into the ocean and speared the juiciest fish, a couple of grey skinned pigs were roasted, the most succulent village women offered themselves to the visitors, an offer which of course they declined. Taking part was one thing; taking advantage was certainly not.
The visitors were given a spacious hut on the edge of the village, roughly woven palm bark sheets on the ground functioning as beds, some basic furniture hewn from palm trunk, and provisions of fresh fruit, dried meats and coco milk.
Not a bad life being an anthropologist.
 
They immersed themselves into the village life, into the tribeĖs life, into the complete island culture. They learned some of each other languages.
The anthropologists each had his own specialisation. One was specialised in social behaviour, one in technology and adaptation, one in creativity and speech, and one in religion and Shamanistic cultures.
All three progressed satisfactorily with their studies, and so did the fourth one, up to a point.
 
Lets call this anthropologist John. John and his colleagues had been on the island for nearly one year now, and John had made very good friends with the Shaman. The locals were very content with their Shaman it seemed, and this rubbed off on John.
John was allowed, no even, insisted upon to take part in most of the religious rituals, which involved lots of chanting at the sky, wading into the surf waving torches, summoning of Gods and such.
In the middle of island, about an hour walk away was the main and only temple. The temple was different from the other huts. The temple was square instead of round, had no windows, and twice as tall as the other huts. Imagine a large American garage stood on its end and you get the idea.
The entrance of the temple was through a small doorway in front of which hung a pigskin curtain.
Day and night this entrance was guarded by one or two of the ShamanĖs acolytes. Heavily armed, there was no way in for anybody except the Shaman. And John, but only if the Shaman was with him.
 
Inside the temple hut it was dark, the space lit only by turtle grease torches, flickering, casting a spooky light.
John had observed that the temple actually was made up of three temples: about two meters in there was another bamboo wall with a curtained doorway.
In the first part there were the usual tools of the Shamanistic trade: animal skins, animal skulls, wood carved objects, some sort of incense smoking away, small sand sculptures and pride of place for sharks jaw.
Go through the door into the second part, and the space is smaller, denser, just two torches lighting up an area of about eight square meters, strangely empty, except for mysterious writings in the sand of the floor, made hard with some white substance, possible wax.
John had visited this second chamber only twice, once as sort of tourist to be shown around, once by accident when he had followed the Shaman inside and was forcefully ejected and send back to the main chamber.
But John had already noticed that temple chamber two also contained a small doorway, leading presumably to temple chamber three. Standing outside the temple John estimated the size of temple chamber three to be about the same as number two.
How often the Shaman entered temple three John could only guess. But he very much wondered what was in there.
Something so private, so important, so central to the islands religion that it was absolute forbidden territory.
 
The second year of the anthropologists visit had just started, everything going along fine, when disaster struck the small community.
From out across the vast expanse of the Pacific swept in a typhoon, a tropical storm of biblical proportions, a hammer of the gods, announcing its imminent arrival around midday with a chaotic twisting of the winds around the compass, an eerie silence on the sea, the swell ominously subdued, the island animals gone deadly silent, and far on the horizon the sky as black as the demon night.
 
Panic broke out amongst the island inhabitants. On a mountainless island the size of about twenty square kilometres they is really nowhere to hide when the whip comes down. Go more inland and it is much the same as the rest of the island, tropical ocean climate jungle, elevated at its highest point to only twelve meters above sea level.
As the wind started picking up speed, the panic increased along the same curve. Typhoons were very rare here; none of the inhabitants could remember the last one, not even the grandpaĖs and grandmas.
Now there was something on the way which would indiscriminately wipe them out, tear their village to shreds, eat up their children, devour all before it, scour bounty island and sweep it clean off life.
 
The islanders tried to flee into the jungle leaving all behind. The anthropologists went with them. Behind them on the ocean waves were climbing to the size of palm trees, not breaking on the shore anymore, but riding up the shore, lurching inland, smothering the lush plantation. The rumble shook the ground.
Then the rains came, drowning everything from up above, and then the wind itself came, riding in last, after its advance troops had cleared the way.
The typhoon lasted two days, and annihilated the island culture.
More than half of the people were swept away, buried, drowned, picked up and broken in two, sucked into the ocean, devoured and never seen again.
Two of the anthropologists died too.
The village was obliterated, with all that went with it, including provisions, the stock of food and fresh water.
In the middle of the island the devastation was less, but still horrendous. The wind rooted out most of the trees leaving empty patches of jungle like scabs on a dying skin.
The temple however, by some miracle, remained standing. And the temple guards stood their ground and still let nobody in. And the Shaman remained in there during the storm, doing whatever Shamans do.
 
In the aftermath of the storm the survivors fled into the arms of the Shaman and the two remaining anthropologists.
There was no food, nothing to drink, nothing to hunt or fish for or with. They were doomed. Two more days passed.
The Shaman came out of the temple, eyes red rimmed, face drawn, shaking and pale from tiredness, looked at his followers, desperate and starving, only a hundred left, wailing babies, and went back in.
Very obviously the Shaman was calling for help in there.
 
Another day gone.
More people, more children gave up and died.
Another one of the anthropologists also died, already weakened by diarrhoea. John clung on. Feverishly dreaming of home, somewhere in Virginia, wheat fields and sparrows singing, forever summer.
 
On the fourth day the Shaman came out, stumbling, exhausted, one eye closed, swollen, mouth encrusted with spit. He came up to John.
He mouthed words in JohnĖs language: ÎhelpĖ he said clearly.
Fumbled for his arm, took his hand, motioned towards the temple. John summoned up the last remaining energy, got up, the Shaman pulling with all the strength of a sick child, and the two of them dragged themselves to the temple.
Only one guard remained on duty, emaciated and subconscious, half lying across the doorway.
The Shaman went in, John followed.
It was dark now inside the first temple part, the torches gone out long ago. The Shaman led, John fumbled behind him, holding on to the Shamans turtle shell, the dead animal now bouncing of the medicine man's bony shoulders.
 
Through the doorway they went, onto the second part, where one torch still burned, the writings in the sand eerily illuminated. John thought he recognised numbers in there, in those writings.
 
At the door of the third and most holy part the Shaman stopped turned around and looked at John. The light in his eyes still burning fiercely, he licked his broken lips, looked at John, took his hand, and led him through the doorway.
 
John thought it was pretty ironic: at deathĖs door he would be shown the holiest of holies, that which was at the heart of a once proud community, that which was at the centre of their religion.
Very likely the Shaman, exasperated and defeated, hoped John might help to summon help from above.
He followed the Shaman in.
 
Inside this part of the temple, there was light. Light from four or more torches. The space was the size John had imagined it. The walls were empty. No writing on the floor.
The Shaman let go of JohnĖs hand, came and stood next to him. Pointed. Spoke to John, croaked, urged him on ahead.
 
John blinked. Wiped his eyes. Stared at the tableau in front of him.
Saw it all at once; everything became clear at once, the hopelessness of it all, and the devious destruction of a unique culture.
 
There in front of him, carefully placed in the centre of the temple room, was a grey steel office desk.
Judging by the design and colour this was forties issue or thereabouts, and when John looked closed he saw writing on one of the two draw fronts.
In olive green it was stamped: US Army.
At the other side of the desk there was a matching office chair.
The Shaman pushed John towards the corner of the desk.
There, polished gleaming black and ominous stood a telephone. The telephone wire went over the desk, along one the legs and into the sand.
In a corner of the temple room John spotted a steel USAF crate stencilled: #1 Issue Biscuits.
The Shaman moved to the telephone, waved magic spells above it with quavering hands, started chanting quietly and picked up the telephone receiver.
Cradling it in one hand, he offered the receiver to John.
John took the telephone receiver in his hand, and the Shaman made him put it to his mouth and ear.
 
"You call. Yes. You speak. Yes." Said the Shaman.
"Help. Call food. Call water. Help from the sky. For us. Yes". And the Shaman backed away expectantly.
 
So this is what the Shaman had been doing: trying to get the US Army on the phone. To get the US Air Force to drop provisions on their isolated Marines, working in secret and ahead of the main force, securing the islands one by one on the way to the conquest of Japan, at the height of World War Two.
 
The white man had been here before all right, landed in a big hurry, marched right in, set up camp, installed themselves, used the power of the telephone to call up whatever was needed, which sometime later dropped from the big and open sky, dropped from gleaming and noisy chariots of the gods.
Day after day. Biscuits, water, fish, corned beef, Coke, chocolate.
 
Out went the local religion based on the King of The Sea and the Mistress of the Moon. In came the army desk, the telephone and help from above.
Then the USAF packed up and went, cleared up, but not so thorough and left the totems of western civilisation behind: the office chair, the office desk, the telephone.
And forgot about the top secret mission on the island of Jumai.
 
And these components of everyday US life became the centre of an island religion.
Imagine that.
 
Now imagine 5000 years ahead. Human civilisation wiped out and gone through a mean air carried killer virus. Nobody left.
Except for the island of Jumai, isolated and protected.
Imagine that from this island civilisation one day slowly starts up again. Taking its religion with it, spreading it across the world.
And in this religion, if you ask correctly and in the right speech, help will come from above. Miracles will happen, and drop right in the midst of you.
Except then they donĖt anymore, but youĖve got to keep on trying.
 
Sounds familiar no? Makes you wonder hey?
 
On the fate of the John and the island survivors I can reassure you: The National Geographic Society dispatched a state-of-the-art exploration ship to locate their missing anthropologists, knowing where they had last been dropped.
This mission succeeded and the ship sailed into the island bay some days later to save John and the natives from starvation and death.
Which to the Shaman and the remaining islanders exactly proved the point:
their religion worked and more than that:
If asked for in desperate times and the correct way, help would come.
And help would also come from across the sea.
ThereĖs the reward for believing.
 
See you next week.

 
Cruiselinertm © Laurens Blommendaal 2000
 

 
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The Pyramid of Skulls and the Competition
 
Well, sorry about that. Mr. Cruiseliner went off the air for about two weeks, got floored with something nasty. Working on the come-back now.
 
Lets make this a brutal Cruiseliner. LetĖs not be polite for a change. After all, this Cruiseliner is about competition and thatĖs nothing to be polite about.
 
Let me start with a short anecdote:
Sometime ago I was present at the Senior Management Sales Strategy meeting of a large bank. I was there in the capacity of Strategy Advisor. All around me there were Vice Presidents, Presidents, Senior Vice Presidents, Chief Officers, CEO's, nearly CEO's, and a guy to distribute all these titles.
I noticed nobody had the title of Dead President, but that is another story.
 
The problem all those very well learned and extremely well paid people were going to debate that afternoon was: 'Competition and what to do about it?'
Yes folks, even banks have competition, although to most of them a 1to1 customer relationship is still a mirage in the desert. Anyway, after the obligatory welcome, everybody around the table was invited to give her or his opinion.
Me, it was decided, had to go last, so as not to "give people ideas". You wonder what they paid me for, but there you go.
 
And there we went.
These great leaders of their financial empire queued up to be polite. Polite about the competition. I scribbled some of their comments down; read this:
"...Competition is healthy. Competition is good for us. Competition is good for business, for our business. So-and-so is a serious competitor, they run a nice outfit. I know the head of so-and -so, and although a competitor he is a really great guy. They are in the same business as us, we understand each other. They steal a bit here; we steal a bit there. Without competition our business would suffer (excuse me?). So-and-so donĖt worry us.."
And on it went. You seriously started wondering why these good people did not work for the competition in the first place.
 
So, that was that then. My turn. Mr.Cruiseliner, said the Very Senior Vice President, what do you think?
 
Dear readers, it must have been all over my face, because people sitting near me were starting to move their seats discreetly away from me. Making some space. Not wanting to be near trouble.
 
I took a deep breath. Well, Mr. VSVP, I said, this is what I think:
The competitor is a disease that must be stamped out. Competition is very bad for your company. The competition must be obliterated at the first opportunity.
They must be shot in the head, beaten into the ground, trampled, cut up and burned at the stake. Their wives and children must be taken hostage, that nice guy at so-and-so must be reduced to tears, must end up begging cold and wet, homeless in the street at Christmas, competition is very bad indeed for your business Ō thatĖs twice now-, there can be no mercy, Jesus these guys are robbing you! you donĖt steal a bit, you steal everything, eat them, nuke them, they donĖt worry you? You should have sleepless nights about them, go and get a Magnum and kneecap them for Christ sake.
And unless here today we are talking about a full frontal assault on them, unless we are discussing the means of a search and destroy mission at this oak table, unless we do that, there is no point in being here.
Thank you Mr. VSVP.
 
Well, you are right, that got their attention in any case.
They looked at me as if I had come from the Planet Zog. Uneasy shuffling of feet. Playing with pencil ends. Lots of looking at invisible notes. The VSVP cleared his throat.
I think Mr.Cruiseliner has a point here; he began, which was some sort of a start at least.
IĖll save you the rest of the meeting. Take it from me people went away ready to do murder or ready to take a long vacation.
 
Now: competition. Where does this idea come from that competition is good for your business?
I really donĖt know.
I checked back into history. Found Alexander the Great. Combination of Greek and warrior, which might give us a useful philosophical angle. Alas, no.
Alexander the Great never said: competition is good for me.
All he said was: where is the competition, show me. Once located he took his armour clad infantry, charged down the hill and wiped them out to the last man. Then put the whole competitive empire to the sword.
 
Timur the Lame was the heir of Genghis Khan, the Mongol warlord. He was bigger, badder and meaner. And that is saying something for somebody who's nickname was "The Beast of Satan".
Timur had no word for competition, he called them 'Enemy'. Remember that.
And he did not feel that an enemy was good or healthy for him or his empire. On campaign in India he first surrounded and then obliterated the glorious army of the Maharajah, elephants and all, and left 20.000 men rotting in the Indus valley.
 
Then he besieged Delphi, and when the town surrendered he massacred everybody in it, men, women, children, cats, dogs, anything that lived.
70.00 people died.
 
Timur instructed all their 70.000 heads to be chopped off, and then to warn other 'competitors' had his adjutants use the heads to build a pyramid of skulls. This pyramid was so huge it blotted out the sun for about 200 meters around its base.
They Ō the competition- got the message, kept their heads down and waited until Timur's empire fell apart by itself through internal strife. That took another 300 years.
 
I searched and searched, but, I could not find anywhere anybody who was anybody claiming "Competition is good".
 
Look at it like this: without competition you can charge what you like, invest in the things you really want to invest in, finally make some real money for a change, buy that yacht, get the customers to do what you want and not the other way around, change products as often as you like, donĖt have to worry about the future, walk like a God.
Of course you agree with me. If only you dared to say it, say; competition is bad and must be destroyed.
But it is not done; you canĖt be so openly hostile about your fellow businessmen. Really? And why not? Do you and your company shun intimidation of your rivals? Do you hesitate at the brink of ruthlessness? Do you worry about what they might do to you in return? DonĖt you think they are going to do that to you anyway given half the change?
These fellow businessmen are the scum of the earth, they have something you want, you need, which is actually rightfully yours.
As they say: park your tanks on their lawn. Do not give them an inch. Take away what they already have. Do not hesitate at crushing a small upstart either. Two smart guys and a PC can become 50 smarter guys and an enemy. Serious competition, a serious enemy, needs serious action.
 
Like what sort of action?
Like dump all your Business ZeroĖs on your competitor.
Dump all your non-paying, forever moaning, pain in the butt clients on your competitor.
Go and check what you earn per customers. And take all costs into account. Anything you can think of you need to spend to communicate with this customer. Especially the time spend on them.
Yeah, you know them all right. So bounce them out. One by one. But make it count double, and bounce them towards your gasping for new business competitor. Then sit back and watch your enemy get into a morass of customer trouble.
 
I know of one firm where they deliberately sacked one of their worst salesmen, who promptly went to work for the competition, taking his client list with him.
They were very happy with that at the competition, ready contacts, ready deals, and new sales talent. Sure.
His client list of course was entirely made up of Business ZeroĖs and Bill Complaint Monsters, on average costing 38% more than they revenued.
But it took them a while to discover that. Everybody was happy for some time, and then of course trouble came home and stayed. The new company sacked the salesman too, but they could not get rid of his clients. No way.
 
Nobody wanted them, and there was no plan how to ditch these customers. In fact, I dare to say that hardly any company has a plan how to lose customers. How to get rid of them. Do you?
So the Business ZeroĖs and Bill Complaint Monsters clung to the company like parasites, sapping revenues, sapping morale of the staff, and contaminating the better quality customer base the company had started out with.
Get out of that one if you can. Especially if sheer number of clients counts for more than the account penetration. Like at most mobile phone companies.
 
So let us start calling your competition, any competition by its rightful name: Enemy.
ItĖs a war out there if you like it or not. If you are ready or not.
Web business, taxi business, airline business, bridal gown business, charity business (yes that too), it is you or them. No in between. Not if you want top be the top dog.
So forget woolly competitive thinking. DonĖt tackle your enemy so that they feel as if they are being savaged by a dead sheep.
Get your troops in order, get bigger guns then the enemy, get the worst weaponry your money can buy, and incinerate them.
Quote from the Bible if you like, send flowers after if you want, just like the Mob guys do, but first bury the bastards.
 
Say it to yourself on the way home, in your company car:
competition is very bad for me, very bad indeed, very bad for my business, they are the enemy, and they have to go. Now. Take no prisoners.
 
Start building that pyramid of skulls.
 
See you all next week.
 
Cruiselinertm © Laurens Blommendaal 2000
 

 
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The Good Zombie is back
 
First a big thank you to you all out there for the continuous flow of suggestions regarding Cruiseliner subjects, quite often accompanied by your sharp personal and witty comments.
Ladies and gentlemen you are just too much; I am honoured and humbled by the quality and quantity of your input.
Nearer Christmas there will be a short Cruiseliner competition; whereby the best subject suggestion will be made into a Cruiseliner, published on the web, and also win a seasonal prize. More about that nearer the time.
 
Now you know you really are in big trouble when your few remaining friends cross the street as they see you coming, run a mile, jump the fences, hit the field and basically get out of there.
You must be truly a lost cause, a hopeless case, and an impoverished outcast for that to happen. Nobody left to talk to, to share your troubles with, to lend a few bucks from, to get drunk with.
Nobody.
How could this happen?
Perhaps your retreating friends are right, perhaps you are beyond saving, irritating beyond belief in your well of despair, the sooner forgotten the better.
And perhaps they have every reason to shun you like the plague. Most likely they know you for what you are.
Perhaps your name is The Millennium Dome in London, The Sydney Olympics or maybe The Hanover Expo..
If you are called one of the above, you are in awesome trouble and you are out on your own.
 
The Millennium Dome in London was supposed to be everything Britain claims it is:
Modern, dynamic, roaring into the future, no; actually being the future, embracing world culture, ready for this century.
And under the "I-wish-I had-become-a rock star-instead" gaze of Prime Minister Tony Blair, a mad scheme was envisaged, a crazy plan drawn up, money raised - just dare to say no- and behold, the bloody thing was built.
Prince Charles called it ‘a sort of upside down pudding with sticks in it’, and this time the great communicator of houseplants was actually right.
The Dome is also absolutely huge. Fantastic, orgasmically huge.
 
The fact that the Dome was ready on time should have raised suspicions immediately anyway: nothing worth anything in Britain is ever ready on time.
The Dome then opened on -you guessed it- the change of the Millennium (remember that? The hysteria? All those absolutely once in a lifetime unmissable parties?) with a party which cost nearly as much as the building of The Dome itself.
Joe Public looked on in awe. And amazement. And disbelief.
Gee, said Joe Public, liberally reciting that famous Beatles song: wonder if they’ll ever fill that thing..
 
Sure said the management.
Book early, book now, to save standing in the queue to save being disappointed, to make sure you get in. Bring your family, bring your friends, bring strangers off the street, but form an orderly queue please, because, boy everybody wants to get in.
Except they didn’t.
They did not book, they did not come, and they did not queue. The British public watched some upbeat documentaries on TV about "what’s on in the Dome", heard stories from friends, read the papers, saw the appalling poverty of the ‘entertainment ’ on offer, and decided to stay at home. And so the vast spaces of the Dome echoed to the sounds of footsteps and the crying of the odd lost toddler. Which spawned more documentaries, downbeat this time, which in turn killed off the remaining interest.
And the Dome entertainment consisted mainly of a vague sort of musical, with obscure tinkly bits of instrumental tunes, modern free expression dancing, some virtual reality gaming and experience zones, people in funny costumes, and a smattering of politically correct infotainment. Disney does it better, and Mickey Mouse really rocks compared to what’s on in The Dome in London.
And the Dome was swallowing money like some terrestrial black hole. This was not good news for the management and owners of the Dome, the British government. So steps were taken.
First, in the time honoured fashion of top business: sack the management. This done, the next step was to find extra funding to keep the lights on in the thing.
Businesses and banks ran a mile or hid under a pillow. As they do.
So where to now? The National Lottery that’s where. Money plenty there.
Yes, folks, they have managed it all right: by buying national lottery tickets the British public now pay for the upkeep of the Dome. In fact, the Dome has been nationalised. This cannot go on forever of course, as even the pro- Tony Blair British public has started to rebel. There are mutterings. And mutterings are not good; they are the seeds of revolution.
So: get rid of the thing. Sell it. To whoever wants it.
 
They nearly pulled that one off.
A Japanese (who else) consortium was interested. Wanted to turn the Dome into a business park. The deal fell through when the board of the Japanese company visited The Dome, and looked at all the space. You could float satellites in there. Spy satellites even.
The sons of the Land of the rising Sun looked dumbstruck at all that empty space. And considered the asking price. And said no.
Meanwhile The Dome has new management. In good British crisis tradition the new Dome boss is a poor bumbling Lord, friendly chap, best of intentions, but as they say:
He is just re-arranging the deck chairs on the Titanic.
The most recent and serious suggestion is, yes, you’ve guessed it: demolish The Dome. Pulverise it. Make it disappear and forget about it. Forever.
Talk about destruction of capital.
 
If only they would have made The Millennium Dome the image of everything Britain really is:
Traditional, nicely static and earthbound; very wary of the future and all things foreign, and certainly not ready for this century.
Queues would have stretched around the block, I guarantee it.
 
Now if your are reading this, and you are British and you are now feeling slightly pissed off, comfort yourself with the thought that blind stupidity and event megalomania are not just confined to your island.
 
No sir, the Hanover World Expo matches the Dome step for Prussian step when it comes to marketing ineptitude, amateur hour planning, and rubbish content.
The what? You may well ask. A World Expo? At Hanover?
And there you have it. You didn’t even know there was a World Expo on, let alone in Hanover. And if you did, you have probably heard rumours.
Rumours of the troubling kind.
Like that at the Dutch pavilion it is so quiet the tulip girls can do a clog dance on the stand without anybody noticing. That the fake geyser at the Iceland pavilion has been seen by a grand total of 300 people, most of them German schoolchildren bussed in ("you will go to the Expo!) for a day tour. That the expo is 40 million US$ in the red, that a third of the suppliers for the Expo will go bust because of unpaid bills, that a further third will go to the brink swallowing their losses, but just make it, and the rest will only break even. That the Expo in a last desperate attempt to get the numbers up is giving tickets away like it was confetti.
Worse still, all these rumours are true.
The German state province responsible for the World Expo has called upon the federal government for financial support. Which they may or may not get. Either way, the German Heinz Public will end up paying for most of the Expo. Sounds familiar no?
 
And we are not finished yet dear readers.
4 Weeks ago it snowed in Sydney, Australia. Yes, really: snow.
That is not good if you are a finely tuned Kenyan marathon athlete. Or a technically advanced Brazilian javelin thrower. Who both happen to be there for the Olympic Games. Because the Games are in Sydney this time.
The Australians themselves of course have gone Olympics crazy and good luck to them. Australians are great, they would go just as crazy over an Ozzie rules football game or over a good Bar-B-Q. The Great Australian Barbie or whatever. Party on Bruce.
 
However, the rest of the world cannot seem to get excited about these Olympics.
The Australian enthusiasm is not rubbing off. All that effort and bribery that went into getting these Games, and now nobody seems to give a shit. That must hurt.
Where it hurts the most is in the Australian wallet. More than 60% of the finals of prestige events (the 100m men’s final for example) are still not sold out.
And tickets for more than 80% of the events as a whole remain unsold.
Time is running out, the starter has ordered everybody to their places, and probably even Zeus himself cannot get those stadium seats filled anymore.
I take that extraordinary snow in Sydney to be an ominous sign, a sign of money melting in the Australian spring sun.
 
What do the people responsible for these fiascos say about it all?
Well- and you’ll like this-: they blame us. Yes, it’s our fault.
They claim their party is washed out because people (they mean you and me) are "event weary". Tired of yet another ‘sit down and look at this’ happening.
 
I have to disagree here. I think that is not the case.
I think it is just that we are "badly organised and no content but very expensive’ weary.
We maybe up for fun, but we are not that foolish.
 
And there is the heart of this tale.
Think about your website. Check those visitors’ stats. Are they telling your something? Do you have The Millennium Dome problem? A World Expo situation? Snow in Sydney?
Don’t blame the public. Don’t start with ‘event weary’, or more to the point "Web weary" Rubbish content, impossible to navigate and expensive to boot?
Yeah, but my site is free you may protest. Oh, that all right then, never mind the time these good people spend trying to find their way around to then read exactly nothing worth reading. That’s not an expense for them, is it?
Time to reconsider I say.
 
And make no mistake: contrary to all the recent reporting, the Web and it’s son e-commerce is alive and well and coming to a town near you soon.
It is like the Good Zombie: hammered from all sides, but he can’t be killed, and he just keeps coming back for more, knocking on your door, but at least he means well.
So be ready when you hear the shuffling of his feet on your doorstep.
Telling him you are "Zombie weary" will just not do.
 
Take care out there, see you next week.

 
Cruiselinertm © Laurens Blommendaal 2000
 

 
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The X-Men are amongst us...
 
There’s a new movie of an old story, now at a cinema near you: The X-Men. Long time comic book superheroes come alive on the silver screen.
Confusing name that is, as women are part of the X-men too, and then some...
 
The X-Men are not really like you and me, no, they are not. They have extra powers, mutated capabilities; they are something else all together. Their powers are a curse to them, they don’t fit in with the rest of us, and that is a curse in itself it seems. The X-Men were born that way, they were not just exceptionally bright kids, high achievers as they are called, no these kids were way out there, they had talents and powers far in excess of anybody else’s.
Now they are grown up, and their powers are awesome..
 
How about being able to move object, any object with just the power of your thought? How about being able to conjure up a storm, a howling gale, out of nowhere, by unleashing the full force of your minds eye? Or how about changing yourself into a wolf whenever the mood takes you? Awesome indeed...
Now the power of the X-Men is employed to protect us. To combat on our behalf against the other mutants, the bad ones, the ones who want your wife and kids.
But theirs is a battle fought in isolation, out there on their own, like the siege of Stalingrad, the last stand of the Marines on hill 428 in the Korean War, the atrocious teeth and nails fight for survival on that long forgotten island near Midway. They are heroes, but anonymous. They are but doomed to obscurity it seems. As is the fate of true heroes.
Or was.
 
The way things are these days; I think we would know about them and their fight. Know all about it. We could follow that world saving mayhem, real-time on reality TV.
And you wouldn’t even be surprised if during the battle one of the X men let forth an all-incinerating laser ray from his or her fingertips.
You probably thought it was a trick, a David Copperfield (sorry David, I know everything you do is actually real, yes it is) stunt, it was part of an act, and even if it is real than that’s ok too, it is just you did know about this latest empowerment yet...
The current multi media assault asks you to suspend disbelief at any occasion, and by now you don’t know anymore what is real or not...
 
That would not matter, because these days would we not want to know these superheroes intimately?
Really know them? Why be scared of their powers? After all they fight the good fight on the good side, our side.
So guys, imagine X-Men Dr. Jean Grey being your girlfriend. Wouldn’t that be great? Have all that literally devastating sensuality at home, on call whenever needed?
And ladies, how about getting your guy change into the throat ripping primeval wolf Wolverine at your beg and call, there to step into the breech for you, for those very dark nights when you are sure you hear something creeping around downstairs?
That would definitely be a fine deal.
 
But to get to know them that intimately would destroy them of course. Before long we would corrupt them, dilute them, ask Jean to go get another beer please honey, get Wolf to put out the trash with supine quickness, and soon they would become just like us. Degrade into our neighbours. And so there are no heroes anymore.
Or are there?
 
Let me tell you about one the greatest tales of heroism I know of.
Its simple, and not long. And for some strange reason, like last week, this involves a zoo too. There you have synchronicity for you.
 
Sometime at the end of the 80’s, 1988 or 1989 or something, a boy called John was visiting a zoo in England with his Grandma.
It was a nice sunny day in May. John was 8 years old then, and, as little boys do, ran around like an unguided missile. Grandma had some measure of control over John by using a combination of her sternest voice, the threat of going home early, and the lure of yet another ice cream.
Things went fairly ok until they arrived at the bear pen.
Well actually, John arrived there well ahead of his Grandma. Now this bear pen was a large open sand and rock plain, dotted by trees. Trees ripped bare of leaves and all but the thickest branches by the razor sharp claws and teeth of the bears living there.
They were Malaysian black bears, which stand about 2.20 m high, and are the only bear species that eat meat, lots of it. Also known for their unpredictability and aggression. There is a brass plate in the pen wall telling you all this and more, and a ‘don’t get close’ warning. I am sure you get the picture.
 
The bear pen was surrounded by a large sculpted concrete barrier, flat on top for you to lean on and put your Coke on. There was no water filled moat, and as the pen was already sunk about 4 meters below the ground level of the zoo, so the bears could not get out, and visitors could not get in. Or so it was thought.
 
John raced full speed at the pen, hearing the growling of the bears, but not yet seeing them, spotted an empty patch amongst the crowd, did not put on the brakes, leapt up and skidded up and over the barrier, a belly surf.
He then surfed the 4 meters down, screamed and landed head first between some rocks and one of the trees. John passed out and lay still.
 
Instant panic amongst the visitors. Total mayhem. Screaming kids, screaming mothers, yelling fathers, yelling instructions to John, because that is the sort of useless behaviour of men in circumstances like that.
Grandma caught up, arrived at the bear pen, looked over, and started crying, her already tremulous hands now shaking like she was gripping a life power cable.
Far away from behind a member of the zoo crew came running. But he had to come from far.
 
The Malaysian bears were having a tête-à-tête in another part of the pen when John dived in. But now they had spotted him, smelled him, and three started to make their way over. Make no mistake, bears are not slow, not at all and in this case we are not talking Disney’s Jungle Book Balou here, these bears really move. On all fours they are coming in like a V8 Chevy. John lies there, white and still, the crowd is hysterical by now, their screaming exciting and further hungering the bears, and it is obvious to anybody: the bears will get to John before anybody else, and with anybody else the crowd means the zoo crew member with his electric cattle prod. If he brought that with him that is. Which he did not.
 
Its over for John, he will not make it beyond 8, and about 350 people are going to witness him being torn to shreds, and you will be surprised how much blood the human body holds, even for an 8 year old..
Including his Grandma. Try and explain that to your daughter.
 
Then something happens. The sort of thing you hear about but never actually witness. But it is here.
A girl climbs on the flat top of the concrete barrier.
She is about 16, blond, a ponytail, wearing some sort of ex army paints and a tight purple top. She is slim, bare arms, a small rucksack strapped across her back, and she is wearing state-of-the-art Ray Bans, and black ankle high running shoes. She does not look the type of girl to be visiting something as boring as a Zoo.
What is she doing here?
 
The girl is called Sarah, her friends know her as Sozzy.
Sarah looks down, adjusts her backpack, puts her Ray Bans in her pocket, judges the distance and jumps into the pen.
She lands on her feet, does a neat barrel roll to dissipate the jump energy and stands up, unhurt.
 
The crowd is instantly silent. All you can hear is the sound of running feet from the newcomers, arriving at the barrier.
Sarah is somewhere to the left of John, the bears coming from the left too, in fact she is between John and the oncoming teeth and claws commando brigade.
Sarah is smart; she turns to face the bears, her back to John and stands her ground. From this distance she can easily see the saliva dripping off yellow teeth, hear them snorting, and as they come closer, she can smell their bad diet carnivore smell.
 
Sarah spots a stick, a gnawed off branch about one and a half meters long, thick as her wrist. Still facing the bears she strolls over to the branch, picks it up, walks back, adjusting her angle at the same time to move nearer to John.
The bears have seen her of course, check out Sarah, check out the stick, slow their pace, slow some more and come to a halt about 3 m away from her.
Bears and Sarah stare each other out.
 
You gotta get this. If this bear takes your head in its maul it will crush your skull like a grapefruit bursting.
And you would be lucky if it would start there that is.
Bears go for the belly, ripping you open with those long claws, waiting for your intestines, your coils of gut to hit the ground still steaming, and then they eat you alive. That’s cuddly bears for you.
 
The bears judge the situation and one then of them lowers itself on its belly and starts creeping up on Sarah. Nose to the ground. Mouth open. And now it really means business.
For Sarah there is nowhere to hide. If she regretted getting in there, it is too late now.
The other bears sit and wait.
 
Outside the pen, zoo personnel have arrived, with ladders, electric cattle prods, shouting instructions. The crowd is silent as the grave. Sirens are wailing in the distance.
But in the pen, time is frozen.
 
The bear belly-creeps closer and closer. Two and a half meters, now 2, now only one and a half..suddenly the bear sits up, on its fat ass, forelegs up in the air, jaws open wide, roaring, starting to lift off for the jump, the jump which smothers and tears you up, towering over Sarah, a storm cloud looming in, and then...smack!
Swinging from the hip and coming up over her shoulder, two-handed grip, that stick hits the bear’s nose like the mystical hammer of Thor.
 
And that hurts. And before the bear gets his shit back together, smack! Sarah really gives it her all this time, ponytail flying, and the stick pulverises the soft end of the nose of the bear.
 
Bloods spurts, the bear howls in pain and rage, shaking its head, saliva flying everywhere, covering Sarah in snot and slime. Sarah readjusts her footing, gets ready for the next swing. The bear goes back into crouch, spitting and snorting, eyes darting from John to Sarah and back, and then folks, then the bear shuffles back. Back to his bear friends who stayed where they were.
And further than that. Until this bear is well out of reach of Sarah and her stick. Because this bear is no hero.
The other two are deliberating. They stay put, but licking their lips. Because the instinct to kill and eat is strong.
 
And, oh Jesus, now one of the other bears gets the spark and starts coming for her.
Not belly creeping this one, no, its bear brain has registered that was the wrong tactic, no this one is coming in some sort of a waddle, fat ass shaking, jaws drooling, black shark eyes unblinking, and it would look funny if it was in a circus, but his is no circus dear readers, this is the marquee of death. A Roman Coliseum.
The crowd starts to emit a low moan.
 
Sarah realises there is more than major trouble coming now.
She grips the stick, looks back at John, takes two steps forward, no kidding, within bear reach, waits, times her move to the split second, cool as ice, then stick swishing through the air, and whacko! That bear gets it right across the eyes.
 
The bear goes crazy, insane with pain and rage, stands up, looms forward, trying to get at this demon with the stick, but he can’t see folks, he cannot see a thing, and then wacko! it hits him again; the pain so intense this time the bear voids its bowels and howls like a slaughtered pig.
It drops on all fours, turns and runs for it, away from pain and blindness, bounces into a tree, falls to one side, gets up, and runs straight past its bear friends, into its night quarters. You could well start to feel sorry for this bear.
 
Sarah takes the two steps back, re-holsters her stick, and waits. The other two bears just sit and stare.
She then looks to her left, sees the ladders being lowered in the pen, sees the guys with the prods coming, see blue and orange flashing lights, sees a mass of white faces, and start walking up to John, her back to him still, keeping an eye on the bears.
She gets to John before the zoo staff gets there, kneels next to him and checks him over. The she gets back up, faces the bears, stands guard, and waits for the others to arrive.
 
And so John’s life is saved, the only injury a broken leg and severe concussion. Grandma can go home to her daughter, and tell her they had a great day at the zoo. Yes they did.
And of course Sarah is feted and celebrated and interviewed as a true heroine, a goddess come to protect the weak and defenceless, and nobody will call her Sozzy ever again. And when they ask her why did you do that, she looks at them, giving them a bear freezing stare, and replies with "what a stupid question" , subject closed.
 
Now how do I know about this?
I have seen it readers. On TV. Taken by amateur video. I have seen pictures. Taken by amateur camera. I read the story. And later that year I saw Sarah getting a medal from the Queen. And it was real, unstaged.
 
But most of us know a story like that. Maybe even first hand. Maybe not that dramatic, maybe a less theatrical setting, but in essence just as strong. Where the stakes were just as high. Where it was a matter of life or death, and maybe not instantly, maybe even strung out over weeks or months. Still, there was somebody there to grip Fate by its ass and shake it all about. Make the difference, and haul victory from defeat.
 
And what kind of person does it take to do what Sarah did?
I don’t know.
I really don’t.
I know one thing though:
The X-men are here. One of them is called Sarah.
 
And the others? It’s you and me.
 
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Deadly Business at the Zoo
 
Let's play fly on the wall...
Let us listen in on a meeting I heard about recently.
I wasn't there but I think I have a fair idea how it went. You and me, dear readers, have to use our imagination, but not for long, as you will see. Also, you will have to suspend disbelieve. Just for now.
 
Here goes:
 
Imagine a shiny high tech meeting room.
Imagine the people there:
   Mr. Apocalypse, the Chief Executive Officer.
   Mr. Talkshit, the Marketing and Sales Manager.
   Mr. Murphy, the Chief of Operations.
   Miss Cleverbastard, Head of Finance.
   And Mrs. Uandmee, the coffee and tea lady.
   And no, these are not their real names.
 
Let's eaves drop on this meeting, the participants taking their seats and we hear the following...
 
Mr. Apocalypse: Talkshit, we had a good week last week, but not good enough. I wanna know why, and I wanna know now. We seem to get stuck and not be able to move up. That's not good Talkshit, that's crap. So what's the story?
 
Mr. Talkshit: Sir, the problem seems to be with the lions and the tortoises.
Mr. Apocalypse: What? Again? We talked about this 2 meetings back. They were the problem then. What the hell have we still got them animals for? Jesus!
Mr. Talkshit: Well, you see-
Mr. Apocalypse: Shut up! I want to get to the bottom of this. Murphy, you got some news on this, huh?
Mr. Murphy: Them lions, they eh.., are eh.., adopted Sir. By kids. School kids. They adopted them when we had that financing scheme Miss Cleverbastard dreamt up. Last year. Brought in some extra cash, but-
Mr. Apocalypse: What? What!!? You telling me somebody else owns them? There not ours do with as we want? You got to be kidding!
Mr.Talkshit: Well, those lions have a plate in front of their cages with their names on, and who sponsors them, for how much, and who's their friend and all that stuff...
Mr.Apocalypse: Great. Fuckin' great. And the tortoises?
Mr. Talkshit: Don't know why they are still there, that is an operations matter I reckon.
Miss Cleverbastard: No,no,no, they are there because they were supposed to be the loss leader, exotic Galapagos giant tortoises as a crowd puller. Fly them in from the islands remember? Broke a few laws to get them here..
Mr. Apocalypse: Well great, but they're not leading anything as far as I can see, just losing. I mean tortoises for Christ sake, they do fuck all! And not even that half the time. They're like zombies. And the others? Give me the rest of the run through Talkshit.
Mr.Talkshit: Yessir! First I read the product, then the attendance last week and the percentage difference that represents compared to last week, with a plus or minus. Ok?
Mr. Apocalypse: Yeah, yeah, just get on with it.
Mr.Talkshit: Parrots, 5300 visitors, 14.3% plus; Alligators, 10456 visitors, 3,8% plus; Polar bears, 23977, only 0.3% up-they are living dangerously I would say-, Grizzly bears, 14328, 2.3% plus; Gorilla's, 38521 visitors, 18.6% minus,-for the fourth week running I must add-, the-
Mr.Apocalypse: What? You bloody what? Those gorillas, what the hell is going on there? Are they hiding or something? In the warm-house? So nobody can see them?
Mr. Murphy: No we keep them out all right. Even when it was snowing last week we kept them outside, but-
Mr.Talkshit: Of course we know exactly how long visitors stood still, if they fed animals or not, if they took pictures or not, if they talked to the animals and so on. That's all in the detailed report. Foot Shuffle Behaviour Tracking or FSBT we call that, and-
Mr.Apocalypse: Shut the fuck up. You are just talking shit Talkshit. I want to loose the gorillas. I want rid of them. Get something exciting and good and earning some money instead. Get some vultures. How are the vultures doing?
Mr.Talkshit: 9288, 33.6% up sir.
Mr. Apocalypse: See?! That's what I want! Some more vultures. Out with the gorillas, and loose the tortoises too for God's sake.
Mr. Murphy: Oh, and how do you suppose I get rid of the tortoises? They are bloody big, bloody obvious and a protected species.
Mr.Apocalypse: Don't give me that Murphy. Just fucking shoot them, or run them over with the Landrover or chop them up with a machete, whatever. Just loose them. And the lions have to go too, sod the kids. Any animal not making the budget here is out. Gone. Finito. Got that?
Mrs.Uandmee: Here's the coffee! Gee, I heard what you just said Mr. Apocalypse. But that's awful; you can't just do that to those poor animals!
Mr. Apocalypse: Two sugars Mrs. Uandmee, thank you.Naw, they're not poor animals my old dear, they are product. And we measure exactly how a product is doing. And if it is doing crap, we replace it. That's how we make money here. That's a market driven business Mrs. Uandmee. That's how it works. Hmmm. Good coffee. Now Miss Cleverbastard, we finally got rid of those dumb-ass rhinos last week; how's the funding for the replacement blue sharks doing?

 
And here, dear readers, is where we leave this very interesting meeting...
 
Now you think: he's made that up, he's mad is Mr. Cruiseliner, he is loosing it, and he just making it up. It doesn't happen like that. Does it?
Well, does it?
 
Yep, it does.
And no, I am not making it up.
Last week a leaked management memo from a zoo -which shall for now remain unnamed, but situated in the south west of the Netherlands- listed in detail the zoo's policy regarding winners and losers in the animal product range.
 
In this memo; which in fact were minutes of a meeting, the board and management team discussed the week-by-week review, and that loss product should be disposed off as soon as possible and replaced by high earning ranges.
Like grizzly bears perhaps, or vultures. Whatever. And when those in turn are past their sell by date, they will be replaced too.
Disposed of humanely by the way, the board stated, and they added that to keep it simple the out of favour animals will be shot, it's a business after all.
 
Those mad bastards want to impose consumer driven sales and revenues strategies on sentient beings; zoo animals to you and me.
What the fuck are they doing? Have they gone completely fucking mad? You decide.
 
Me?
I am off to that zoo, get those gorilla attendance figures up while they still have a chance...
 
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Funky Web Business
 
Let me tell you something about Nathan Watts.
'Who?' you ask.
Yes, Nathan Watts. And the link to a real 1to1 relation with your customers, and how you can make content pay.
Ever heard Nathan Watts play bass on Stevie Wonder's "I wish"?
You probably heard it all right but did you ever listen real good? Here's a guy who's got such a groove going it threatens to swallow the whole band. And not content with just repeating that monstrous bass wave, Watts reinvents his groove on the spur of the moment, changes just a little here, moves a few frets there, makes a-new, side steps with a funky line, but never looses the core. Never looses what drives the rhythm, what is at the heart of the song. But everybody can hear something else in there, something tailor made just for them. It is awesome and it took me dear readers four days of hard work to master it on my humble bass guitar, and that says as much about me as about Nathan's groove.
 
How does Nathan Watts do this?
Well he knows his technical stuff that for sure. He knows how to hold his guitar. He knows chromatic scales.
He has been tested. And he still is. Every night, for years, the jury is out on his funkiness, because the audience does not take shit. So he got very sharp. He delivers. And then Mr. Wonder himself has some expectations. Just a few. That blind man can play a mean bass himself. So top that Nathan.
But there is more. Nathan's playing: it pays his bills. Very important that.
And Nathan is on a stage, bringing it to the customers. Yes really bringing.
Nathan Watts did not just play the groove, he became the groove. And with that he could let intuition take over. Which is where the groove comes looking for him, and now he is truly double time funky. Funky to you and me; you could say 1to1 funky.
After Stevie Wonder there is another band on. Somebody called Redding or something. Otis Redding if I remember rightly.
Anyway, whatever he is called, I call it competition.
 
Now what does this have to do with your web business? With the way your and you customers are?
In Nathan's story, they are all here: all the ingredients of successful 1to1 relationship with your customers, all the pillars of a solid web business.
Check:
Know what is at the core. Know it inside out. 8 notes are Nathan Watts' core. And yours?
There is no technique you are not familiar with to project your business. Plucking, slapping, and playing with his teeth: Nathan can do it all. Surely so can you? Because your competition can, you bet.
Make sure that every night, even every minute, your ‘product' is tested and judged by the jury, your customers, Nathan's audience. Measure the applause.
Get somebody better than you - yes, they do exist - to demand ever better from you, demand the sublime. It is called benchmarking, and Stevie Wonder is a pro at that.
Never forget what pays your bills. Say it twice: Never forget what pays your bills. Thank you. Play an encore, an extra tune. Give them more than they ask for, always. They love you for it. Forget the encore and send them home pissed off, destroying the 1to1 relation you have just built up. Playing an extra song, call it a Symbiotic Information Relationship.
For their encore Nathan Watts and Stevie Wonder play "Sir Duke" by the way.
So play a request from the audience, but only 1 or 2 at the most, no more. Because audience requests answered publicly are too generic; one guy asks, all the others have to listen too. You might well recognise your own current companies strategy in that last point. Glad to hear you are just about to drastically change that strategy.
 
We are coming back to that funky business later. First there was a phone call.
A good friend of mine called, after reading last weeks Cruiseliner.
Got the point he said, but no worries for me he said, because I have transferred my business to the Web, running in parallel with the existing business, and on the web I give all my customers access to everything. Just like that. That way I miss no opportunity and save a lot on marketing.
 
He is a good friend, so I could be honest.
Giving all your customers access to everything does not automatically mean less marketing, and with opportunity he really meant some seriously haphazard hit-and-miss strike rate. Because it may well mean more marketing to help your loyal customers to sort the useful from the useless on your ultra dynamic web site.
And to put it mildly; you are not really in the driving seat operating like this. You should at least know what opportunities are suitable for what customers. Or: pro-activity: content must be source-presented to the customers on a need-to-know-now basis. The formula is customer segmentation - product customisation. Generic marketing only serves a purpose to position a brand. More hard rock than funk.
 
Ok here's the encore: how about getting paid for your Content?
An excellent subject for the next Cruiseliner, but in the mean time, to get you thinking, we go back to the start of this Cruiseliner. Consider this:
Nathan Watts.
Tonight he and Stevie are playing at the Apollo Theatre, New York. You don't want to miss it, you want to part of that groove.
You pay at the door to get in to see him. See him play for about two hours. Time base billing you might say.
Actually, most of all you get to see Stevie Wonder. Nathan is bannering, but bannering big, on the same stage.
So you get Stevie too, and you pay for Stevie too. But you don't mind. Not at all. Even if that increases the entry fee. Emotional linkage purchasing you could say.
And they are good, Stevie Wonder and Nathan Watts. They really do the business. You want to hear that again.
You pay to hear that again, on the latest audio delivery system, in your living room. And that you could call Transaction based billing.
 
Isn't being in the Funky Web Business great?
 
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Your Business is Dead. Are you?
 
Can I have your attention please?
You all think we're doing good? You all see that money rolling in, bags full of it arriving at your doorstep, lots of it, much more than you of course predicted in that budget you wrote up some time last year.
See, New Economy or not; you're thinking, my business plan held up, we are a tough bunch, we are with it, we know what we are doing, cause we're organised and best of all, the cruncher, best of all, we've got Content.
So, yeah Mr.Cruiseliner, we are doing good, next year will be even better as more of our business goes to the Web, more content migrates, and more of our staff get smart.
 
You really believe that?
Then you might be in deep shit, and your business nearly dead.
 
Did you ever stop to think that your business possibly does not transfer to the Internet at all? Sure: your content does, but your business doesn't.
You know, the part that makes the money. That pays your holidays and buys you a boat. Your actual business. It might not transfer to the Web at all.
No, in fact, the Internet might the end of your business.

 
You think I am kidding? Ask the guys at the encyclopaedia companies. Where are they now? Do you want to know when Cleopatra was born? Ok; but do you want to pay for that information when you can get it free?
Ask the guys at the big and small newspapers, ask the publishers of the Yellow Pages, the publishers of the Business Directories, in fact any publishers of content:
on the Web that information can be accessed free, no costs, and if not now, then soon; and much easier still: it will be brought to what used to be your paying customers.
Brought to them free. And no amount of paltry banner advertising is going to save you, is going to bring the revenues you were used to, the earnings you neatly predicted in your budget.
A budget approved by your board, because they don't see it too, they proudly state earnings through the Internet are increasing, but do these earnings really compare one-on-one with the earnings you used to get? If you really look at it fractal level, the product, the customers, the revenue?
Well, hardly anybody really checks that deep, so it looks all to be going ok, but in fact you're living on borrowed time.
You are now looking like a single middle aged woman with the wrong make up, on a night out. Desperate but hyper enthusiastic.
And the Web is a prime generator of activity, enthusiasm and optimism. But blind optimism leads to detachment, and if you want to know where that leads to, just ask the board of what used to be Barings Bank.
 
Lets say the Web will actually kill your business, so what now?
Roll over and die?
Sort of yes.

 
You are still making good revenues form your content at the moment, you still have surplus cash, cash not needed for day to day operations. You have money, but the window of opportunity is closing. Soon your surplus cash will be swallowed up whole by your lemming like run for the Web. Then you will just be playing catch-up with some upstart start-up, and that is one battle you do not want to be into.
So move while you still can.
 
Make the biggest change of direction of your business in the history of the company.
Abandon trying to hang on to your content, making business plans which you can shred the moment their rubberstamped.
What you've got to do spend that time and money on locating businesses which will earn revenues for at least the next ten years, business which are so new, so essential, so good, they are delivery medium proof.
And don't go invest in companies who will make it easier for you to distribute your content across the web; now you are just helping to drive the car towards the edge of the cliff.
 
That cannot be done you say, you need great and detailed expertise about a business to be able to buy it and run it. Really? Give Rupert Murdoch a call and ask him how much he knew about the satellite TV business when he was running a newspaper, how much he knew about the intricacies of pay per view.
 
We are talking Extreme Diversification here, and if you are in the business of selling content through a bricks and mortar company, then ED is what can save you.
And that's at polar opposites with the hallowed ‘lets go back to the core business' strategy. Presuming of course you still have a core business.
 
Obviously, apart from all the mechanics there is one thing you need more than anything else when you turn the ship around, dock the ship, disembark and go to a very different means of transport. You need visionaries in your Company, not gatekeepers.
You want to be saved from the logical conclusion of a going by the business plan book kamikaze mission on the Web?
Start looking for the visionary in your Company. Ask him what he would spend his money on if he were in charge of Mergers and Acquisitions. Listen carefully.
Then go and be that visionary. Prepare to do battle with the gatekeepers, but do not dilute the vision.
You might have just saved yourself and your business.
 
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Zanzibar, The Blues and the cloning of George Bush
 
It appears cloning technology is much further advanced that we, ordinary girls and guys that we are, could possible know.
In one part of the globe they are at least 15 years ahead of everybody else in exactly replicating humans, and I know this because they paraded the evidence of their research in view of the whole world.
Where do you ask? Where did they go cloning crazy? Where did they reveal their pinnacle of achievement? Well, I was as surprised as you.
 
Of all places they choose the American Republican party conference to stun us with their mad scientist achievement.
Because there, all eyes upon them, appeared a top-to-toe perfect, immaculate, all walking and talking , exact replica of the former US president George Bush. And to get the point across, and to make double sure we all know it's a clone there on the stage, they did not name their object "FPN 3456XST" or something, no they named him
...George Bush.
Yes. I kid you not.
Ok, they named him George W Bush. But that's just mad scientist humour. Teasing us a little.
 
Anyway, the quality of this copy of the old George was astonishing. He walked like him, talked like him, gestured like him, looked like him of course, had the moist eyes like him, and by God, at one stage a grand old dame appeared, and proclaimed from the stage "I love you George", and it is only because I take it incest is not standard in most USA homes, she was talking about the Old George, the first George, and not the second, unless of course you take I love you not literally -Oh, forget it.
It just got me all confused, and most of the American audience too.
 
It would have been easier for us if the cloned George had appeared on stage in a ski mask, and then we could have guessed whom he looked like. Morally too, it would have been a very worthwhile and interesting experiment to get enthusiastic and motivated about someone who's face you can't see.
But no Sir. Here was George Bush, cloned from way back in 1990, ready to come back and rule from the oval office.
A sort of Return of the Living Dead.
 
Now I watched some of the Party Convention, and I thought, gee is this all there is? You gotta choice of two: George or George. That's no choice, that's being 4-0 down from the kick off.
In cloning they may be far, in appealing to black people they are still way beyond the horizon. Yes, some notable black people appeared on stage, but to the rousing music of Latino Rock?
 
A novel, different and very likely more successful approach might have been the use of Deep South Delta Blues. Get some Robert Johnson or Son House tracks playing over the PA. See the crowd waving and cheering to "Hellhounds on my trail". Hear them pick up the chorus of "Crossroads". No such luck. Probably to close to the bone...
 
I was once in Zanzibar, and there, amongst the crowds in a rickety Bazaar, surrounded by a troupe of young women who were totally covered in the thick mud-dark cloth of the Bedouin, sat an old Negro, wearing a grey two piece suit and a dark red open shirt, playing the Delta Blues.
He played on a semi acoustic guitar, long fingers bringing up a vicious twang, ochre dust rising from the ground with the pounding of his left foot, keeping time.
I am sure "Love in Vain" in was heard in an Arab kibosh for the first time. And here for the first time the young women got the full flow of "Crawling King Snake", their beautiful night-dark eyes shining with curiosity and excitement.
 
It was weird, and it was wonderful. When the blues man took a break, I asked him how he ended up here, and what he was doing here. He wiped the sweat of his forehead with an immaculate white handkerchief, looked at me and said:
"I came on a boat, like yous'all, and I've come to play and get me some money."
When he spoke he smelled of leather.
"You from the States?" I asked
"I am from everywhere", he replied, winked at me, winked at the 1000-and-1 night girls and struck up the opening chords of "Della Mae".
That he was there, in Zanzibar, was extraordinary. That he was playing the blues there however was beyond extraordinary. That was truly unique. A rarity, a one-off jewel. That's what he was.
Cloning him would have proved impossible. A non-starter. Definitely. I think there's a lesson in there somewhere.
 
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Spells, incantations, a Shaman and your Web aura
 
Even George Soros is pulling out of dot.com stocks. Master of the sleaze currencies Soros has decided that the pot of money is to be found elsewhere. Not at the end of the Web rainbow anyway. And if your are the floor cleaner at the Nasdaq then your are sweeping up a lot of discarded web stock holding tickets at the moment. They have 'I told you so' written on the back.
 
And then there was the NY merchant bank boss who is now on record as saying he would rather deal with the old economy potentates than with the upstart punkers of the new economy. Who, to quote, have not learned how run a business properly. So lets buy big into oil, steel, cars and all those much more tangible things which surrounds us every day. Except that the Web surrounds us every day also of course. Think of it as virtual communications grid, lying somewhere just above your head.. Then it is just a is just a matter of sticking up your hand and your in the flow,
 
You know, I think it is an emotional thing. I think you have it or you don't. You either connect or you don't. And if you are only there half-heartedly in the first place anyway, then when things go wrong you can afford at least figuratively to leave the war zone and retreat with heads held high and the band playing your tune. The 'I told you so' tune. But I think the Web is an emotional thing.
 
The rush to join dot.com, to participate in the Web , to be a dot .com has been for a lot of old economy heads an unloading of their Past. In the wish to clean out and up, and outdo each other, anything goes or went , for the VC's and the fellow frontiers men. So there was certainly more doing than thinking. Most Old Economy Companies led by Old Economy bosses were rushing headlong into the Web adventure. Not being hindered by the knowledge, or even more important, the emotional connection you must have with the thing that is called Communication to be able to ride that tiger. Result: Catching up, never quite making it, and now blaming the Web and its pioneering class A bosses for their own old economy troubles. You can nearly hear old Sir John Sandwich, muttering in the boardroom, after getting the news on the portfolio of high tech shares: 'why did we get involved in this bloody computer business in the first place hey? Well? Bowed heads all around. Cause that's what it s to Sir John: that bloody computer business.
 
And why get 'involved'? Cause the consumer wants it. Cause people like me and you want it. Cause 24hr communication across the globe at anytime, anyplace is here, and the fact that all that power and possibility of communication is available at your fingertips, gives you a certain kind of feeling, and therefore it is an emotional thing. And no flight into Zen meditation or stress yoga is going to help you get away from that. Because the moment you leave the Zen temple, it is waiting for you, it is out there. But it is not about buying things: it is about connection first and then buying things secondly. If you as a company can grasp this, and make this the centre, the core of your web business, you are not just using the Web, you are the Web.
 
The Web and its consumers have been transformed into a world of mystic, nay nearly deified proportions. Meetings about the Web have taken on a Shamanistic like quality: spells cast inside a very hot and crowed tent, you can't see anything through the thick smoke. And you still have to pluck the coals from the fire.
 
But do not be fooled: you have to have that emotional connection. It has to work for you. Don't go there if you don't know what you are doing. Don't go into the basement when you hear something shuffling down there. And certainly don't go and leave the lights off.. "
 
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From the Amazon to Titanic:
you gotta feel it to know it

 
Ever been in a storm at sea? In the eye of the hurricane? Holding on white knuckled to the brass railings of the cruiseliner? Wind blowing so much that you can hardly breathe? Giant waves breaking over the stern, trying to eat up the bow, green water rising above you, white water cascading in, trying to snap your safety line, making the steel wire hum a snappy song. The exhilaration! The thrill!
The wind speed indicator is measuring one hundred knots, you can see just about fifty meters out through the swirl, some more when lighting cracks in the sky, and you're thinking, this is life, this is what it is supposed to be about, this is the real thing.
 
The pay-off from the guys who organised this trip rises and falls in your head, in rhythm with the swell of the storm driven sea: you gotta feel it to know it.
And boy, they are right!
And even better, you paid some serious money to be in this exact spot at exactly the right time, so is this value for money or not? Well?
You bet it is!

 
Not for you the latest in home entertainment or the biggest garage to park you Humvee (with voice controlled sliding smoked glass doors). Or the absolute top in Cuisine equipment. Or the hottest personal aviation, a two seater based on the legendary U2 spy plane.
No: you've got the cash, lots of it, but you don't want stuff, you don't want things, what you want is : to experience.
 
And what do you want to experience? Let me tell you:
You want to cross the Amazonian rainforest in a canoe, catching them monkeys with your curare tipped arrows; you, safe inside a state-of-the-art protective capsule, want to be lowered into the heart of that smouldering volcano, hovering right over the hungry lava; you want to go into orbit in the space shuttle, and even better, go walk on the moon to feel that zero gravity, you want to deep dive to the Titanic and peer in awe at the fossilised remains, you want to be part of that cannibal ritual in New Guinea; you just about want to know what it is like to be a ghost.
 
And no, I am not making this up, except for the moon (still working on the logistics) and ghost experience (small problem of how to get you back) you can pay your money and take your trip. But this is not for everybody, no sir.
Most people, you might say poorer people like you and me, will use money to buy things; equipment and services which will make life easier, in effect they will be buying time. Time they need to sustain themselves and their environment to be able to make more money the next time. The others, the richer people, no longer have to buy time, they've got that and plenty of it, and they will buy exceptional experiences. And make time flow slower and more intense.
For them it seems money has finally really become time.
And instead of have's and have nots, the world will be divided into 'experienced it', and 'saw it on TV'. (if you've made enough money to buy one of those that is).
 
Or will it?
You probably got stuck at an international airport at some time in your life. Maybe a couple of times even.
And I mean really stuck, you know, anything from two hours upwards of hanging around, wandering aimlessly, business briefcase in hand, important appointments evaporating like mist in the morning sun.
And did you see them?
Did you spot them draped loose limbed across the metal airport lounge chairs?
Wearing easygoing stuff, flowing apparel, reading some book, or eyes closed, apparently dreaming. The one thing they do not exude is money. With your experience and your feel for these things you can sniff they don't have a lot of the stuff. No way.
 
Obviously like you they are stuck in the travel chain somehow. But it does not seem to bother them. They are relaxed, if they move it is with purpose instead of waste, they go with the flow as you say. They do seem to need much to experience. Perhaps for them life is a made up of a cluster of experiences and the time in between is the cord that binds all these experiences.
Experiences which happen to them, come to them, instead of desperately hunting for them. They go with the flow as you say. Then hanging around is time well spend. And that's an experience in itself. Think about it.
 
And where does this philosophical Cruiseliner lead us to?
To you. And your front door.
Next time it blows a gale force 10, go and take a hike to the beach, to watch those rogue waves marching on the shore, marvel at the force of the swell, and experience. It's a unique and it's free..
Experience is right on your doorstep. And you are richer than you think.
Go find out.
 
Cruiselinertm © Laurens Blommendaal 2000
 

 
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